Dot Points on Jupiter Ascending (2015)


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I can’t possibly review Jupiter Ascending properly, because I’d need to write the plot down, and you won’t believe me if I do. Instead, here are my thoughts on the movie as they formed in my mind watching it:

  • Orange and Teal: The Movie
  • This movie has an opening credits/title sequence that interrupts the movie as though it was running late for the screening.
  • Everything is important, and nothing matters.
  • Mila Kunis does nothing in this movie but change costume
  • No literally, she has no effect on the story. It would still be happening the same around her if she was a table lamp.*
  • Space rollerblades seemed very important when they were introduced.
  • Space rollerblades were very important for making sure no-one will take Channing Tatum seriously in this movie.
  • Rita Repulsa and Björk had a lovechild. She and her hoverbike seemed very important when they were introduced.

ritarepulsabjork

  • Björk Repulsa’s cronies seemed very important when they were introduced.
  • If, after the action sequence that destroys half of Chicago, they wave it away by saying “oh it’ll be fixed we have advanced technology, and no one will remember it anyway” – what was the point of the scene?
  • That scene, by the way, is literally about 10 minutes of Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum falling to the ground while spinning around.
  • Was it necessary for the alien killers to flip a hovering Mila Kunis onto her belly in a rapey fashion so they could kill her?
  • Aliens who also run an egg harvesting clinic just in the hopes that of all the people in the world, Mila Kunis would decide to get her eggs harvested?
  • Poor Eddie Redmayne.
  • Ultra-absorbent menstrual pads are probably a good makeshift bandage. Probably better if you put the absorbent side on the wound though.
  • Mila Kunis spends most of the first half of the movie sounding like she’s openly questioning the dialogue she’s reading.
  • Sean Bean has bees! Sean Beean!
  • Sean Beean seemed very important when he was introduced.
  • Sean Beean’s daughter seemed very important when she was introduced
  • Queen of the bees. QUEEN OF THE BEES!
  • I’m not entirely sure there isn’t like, 40 minutes of extra dialogue missing from the movie, that covers off character motivation.
  • Channing Tatum, what do your elf ears hear?
  • Eddie Redmayne steers his ship back to Jupiter by…bathing?

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  • So Eddie Redmayne really admired Ralph Fiennes’ turn as Voldemort…
  • This is the most blatantly episodic movie I’ve seen in a long time.
  • Seriously, stop with the Orange and Teal. There are other colours out there to contrast.
  • When people are shooting guns at you, it’s probably time to put your armour back on, Channing.
  • Was there any point to the Space DMV sequence?
  • Was there any point to the weird homoerotic cyborg moment in the Space DMV sequence?
  • Who wrote this movie? Like seriously, was this a script *as it was written* by a 14-year-old Wachowski?
  • Hey remember when the Wachowskis made Bound and it was an AMAZING movie? This one sure doesn’t.

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  • How old are you? Obviously in your late 40s, 27 year old actress with a single wrinkle painted on your face.
  • Poor, poor Eddie Redmayne.
  • Drink every time Jupiter literally ascends.
  • Drink twice every time she descends.
  • Drink every time Jupiter is presented with a choice that has an incredibly obvious bad option and a painfully simple good option, and then chooses the bad one (you will drink a lot, as this is essentially the only way the plot moves forward).
  • I am an obviously evil man, let me dress it up in care and concern.
  • Because this story is set in space, it means we can have multiple worlds of ham. Bless.
  • We need to get to the surface of Jupiter! Thank god we’ve seen Pacific Rim!
  • Teehee, I’m an obviously suspicious woman hiding behind a mask of feminine concern, let me read every single fucking line of dialogue I have by smiling and shaking my head at the end of every sentence.
  • Soylent Green is Jupiter Ascending.
  • “I MAKE LIFE!”
  • Intergalactic Contract Law: The Movie.
  • Intergalactic Contract Law Practised on Interglactic iPads: The Movie
  • Oh…it’s a sexy oedipal complex (?)
  • God Bless you Eddie Redmayne.
  • I imagine, if I were a drug taking person, that this movie would be amazing.
  • The romance in this movie did not seem important when it was introduced, and it isn’t.
  • Star Wars Episode 200: The Fifth Element Wants A Boyfriend

Eddie-Redmayne-Balem-Jupiter-Ascending

 

Ok – so, this is very possibly my new favourite bad movie. It’s gloriously bad. Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum look bored throughout, Eddie Redmayne is just…poor, poor, poor Eddie Redmayne, and Sean Bean lives!

Jupiter (Kunis) as a character is completely flat and does not a single thing proactive in the plot. She is an entirely reactive customer, and not a very interesting one at that. I want to say that Kunis survives the move relatively well. I want to say that, but can’t. But then again – no one does.

It is a pretty movie to look at, and despite its unintentional hilarity, it does have a fairly impressive scope. There are too many ideas in the movie that are given lip service but not development. It’s also highly derivative of a great many other films.

I don’t know where this movie went so wrong, but they did it spectacularly!

Note that the trailer below has so little Mila Kunis in it – she’s completely unessential, except for the plot to happen around her.

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Dot Points on Jupiter Ascending (2015)

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