An open letter to non-Australians regarding Vegemite


Dear Internet,

A troubling trend has arisen of late in regard to one of our national icons. Vegemite is a treasure of this land, one that has been misunderstood and misrepresented throughout the world by people just not getting it.

Videos upon videos upon videos abound of non-Australians trying it and acting in revulsion and horror. The reputation of this fine spread is tarnished further and the perception off our shores continues that it is not really a food, but a practical joke we’re all in on as a nation.

I’m here to set the record straight. This is not a guide for enjoying Vegemite, but just how you should try it for the first time – I don’t demand you like it, but I’ll be damned if I allow you to keep on hoeing into it like it’s a pint of ice cream

ONE:

Firstly, choose your vessel. Try it on toast, or for the best experience, a crumpet. Crumpets are to toast what a king sized bed with Egyptian cotton sheets is to crashing on your best friend’s couch at 3am.

Crackers? No. The texture and saltiness of the average cracker means the taste of Vegemite overpowers and you’re just another statistic of poor first times.

A stick of celery or a carrot stick? Hahaha, get the fuck out of my house. No.

Directly off the spoon or the tip of your finger? Vegemite on toast is to vegemite off the spoon what the king size bed is to a patch of hobo-piss covered cement behind a decommissioned gas station. Don’t do it.

TWO:

Secondly, butter your toast/crumpet. Or use margarine or olive oil spread, or whatever you prefer in this range of sandwich foundations. Vegemite unaccompanied on the first time is unwise and counter-intuitive to any chance of you enjoying it. It’s a strong flavour that you need to temper on your first approach.

THREE:

And most importantly – moderation

Vegemite

See this jar? It’s a 150g jar of Vegemite (or 5 fl oz for you non-metric charlatans). This jar is enough to last for months.

Risky

See this amount on the knife? It’s probably pushing it a bit. This is borderline-excessive.

Use it sparingly. Especially if it’s the first time you’re trying it. This next picture is hardly food-porn, but it’s the right butter-to-bread-to-Vegemite ratio to get the sense of what it’s like and what the taste actually is (and yes, we are aware it looks a bit like poop, but it doesn’t mean it tastes like that).

Yes

These videos of people trying Vegemite keep on showing it slathered on like peanut butter. And sure, there are people out there who like it, but they’re veterans of the spread. Vegerans if you will. They’re also rare, because it’s best enjoyed in moderation.

Oh God why

See this? This is a travesty! I had to waste weeks’ worth of Vegemite to illustrate what it’s constantly spread like when people try it for the first time in these videos or demonstrations. IT’S WRONG! It’s no wonder you’re all shrieking in horror if this is what your first taste of it is like! It’d be like going on a rollercoaster for the first time, only the car is made of piranhas!

Vegemite is not the devil in a jar. It’s a deliciously salty snack that has so much Vitamin B packed into it that it’s an anti-hangover miracle. It’s an acquired taste, yes – and there are plenty who just plain don’t like it – but you need to give yourself the chance to come to terms with it and make your decision reasonably. You wouldn’t be able to tell if you enjoyed a cigar by putting your mouth over the exhaust pipe of a running Mack truck instead.

 Hope that clears the matter up,

Dave.

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