Music soothes the savage beast. But then again, I like to think music can also make the beast pretty savage again once it’s soothed.
So herein lies my thoughts on the sexiest songs out there. Not necessarily in terms of “does it make you want to have sex” – sometimes it’s purely lustful, other times they can be pretty innocent. But the defining criteria would be “does the song convey an almost hypnotic control over you and guide your thinking down that way.”
Again, purely opinionated. If you disagree, leave me a comment with your lists.
#10. Embrace – PNAU
I’ll admit this doesn’t actually follow my criteria, and it’s an odd choice for a “sexy” song, but bear with me.
As dance songs (with lyrics) go, you’ve got pretty much three settings: love songs set to a good beat, mindless formulaic crap wherein a singer reminisces on their time in the club, or songs with lyrics that don’t necessarily make much sense but what the hell they’re awesome to dance to.
Embrace definitely falls into that latter category, but personify the songs and I can give you a good analogy.
[EDIT 2016: – It was not a good analogy. It was fucking terrible. I will not be reposting]
and that makes Embrace the kind of song you want to spend the rest of your life with.
#9. Sway – Anita Kelsey
I first came across this in the sublime Dark City, and it probably helps my perception of it as a sexy song to have had Jennifer Connelly’s sultry lounge-singer crooning it softly into a microphone. The director’s cut replaces the vocals with Connelly’s own, and she does a good job, but Anita Kelsey could sing me to sleep anytime she wants.
The way the instruments play in this version make me think of dancers in a smoky jazz lounge grinding away their blues all the way to the bedroom. It’s a song that lends itself well to many different versions, but I will say that Michael Buble’s utterly soulless rendition is not good.
#8. So Strong – Meck feat. Dino
This song (other than being awesome) just has that kind of bad-boy self assuredness that is not only convincing but persuasive. Everyone loves a deep voice, and the lyrics come from someone who is being driven by their primal instincts, but not in a rapey way. And the pounding house beat leads to thoughts of pounding as a much more inappropriate analogy.
#7. Yippio-ay – The Presets
I’m being a little scandalous here, cos The Presets have the number 3 spot too…
If Embrace is the awesomely confident chick in the club, then Yippio-ay is the guy who’s a little drunk, probably a little high and all the more appealing for it. He’ll probably end up breaking the hearts of many a young lassie tonight, cos he’s got one thing on his mind to look for.
And yeah the song is about handjobs, but at least it’s discreet about it.
#6. Down Boy – Holly Valance
Before you judge me too harshly, I am indeed aware that Holly Valance is mediocre pop-starlet trash for the majority of her career.
But this gets included for actually being a song I used to hear constantly at high school parties, and when you’re a teenager getting drunk around other beautiful teenagers your mind drifts along to the kinds of thoughts that facilitate this list.
And having run dangerously close to overshare, I’ll leave it at that.
#5. Sex City – Van She
This one may seem like a no-brainer what with having “sex” right there in the title, but this gets included for a) having a banging sound, and b) being about vampires.
Much as Twilight has fought to undo this, vampirism has always been about sex, the predatory and primal factors of sex, and the bloodlust involved in it. Anne Rice novels treat the vampirism-as-sexuality thought a bit like Mills and Boon, but this song gets the balance right exactly. It’s tortured, but lustful, and as such a definite place on the list.
Also has an awesome remix as Vanished by Crystal Castles
#4. Natural – Infusion
Other than being my favourite song (and being the song that the band dedicated to me in Brisbane in 2010) I think the lyrics of the song speak for themselves.
This is someone who is horny and it’s doing all their thinking, but the song isn’t sleazy – it’s just expressing a desire in a desirous way. It’s about as horny as a song can get without being inappropriate.
#3. Anywhere – The Presets
The other contender for my favourite song. On face value, it’s a song about a guy struggling to be in a complicated relationship. But the tone of the song is dark and sinister, making me think of a late night setting, and therefore late night urges. And I would absolutely have sex with Juliuan Hamilton’s voice in this song.
#2. #1 Crush – Garbage
Whereas most of the songs on this list kind of deal with their sexual desires as a pre-emptive buildup, #1 Crush comes to you mid-writhe straight from the bed! If you need any further proof, just listen to the opening note, which is nothing but an orgasmic moan.
This song is sex – it’s not exactly hiding it. It also has lyrics which seem to come from a distracted mind that’s given over to its instinct-driven nature, and what do we think could possibly be the cause of that?
#1. Fever – pretty much any version.
This is the Grace Knight version, but any cover (except once again Michael “nice-voice-no-soul” Buble’s) conveys the same essence. Originally done by Little Wille John, but probably most famously covered by Peggy Lee)
Fever is kind of the musical embodiment of the argument people make about eroticism vs. subtlety – a lot of people (this author included) still think that Grace Kelly telling James Stewart that her nightgown is a “preview of coming attractions” in Rear Window is a hell of a lot sexier than a topless Halle Berry in Swordfish, and it’s all about the subtlety and confidence of the statement.
In the poker game of music, Fever is playing its cards close to its chest, but you both know that Fever has a flush while you’re holding two pair. And yet you both know you’re getting laid regardless.
…And the worst:
If someone tells you they’re sexy, chances are they aren’t. Madonna’s Erotica is the equivalent of getting a phone call from someone at three in the morning asking if you’re turned on by the fact that they’re having sex while they’re on the phone to you. Merely calling out things that should be sexy does not equal sexy, and Erotica is most certainly not erotic. It’s about as subtle as…well, Madonna, so I guess we shouldn’t have expected too much to begin with. Oh, and I just remembered that on the album Erotica, Madonna covered Fever – her version is considerably worse than Buble’s.
So that’s the list! Agree? Disagree? Discuss.