3 “pop songs” just as bad as (if not worse than) Rebecca Black’s “Friday”


Poor, poor Rebecca Black. Friday is an excruciatingly bland song, but the amount of hatred being delivered on it and to her is quite mind-boggling. The song is pretty craptacular, but it’s not as horrible as a lot of songs out there; if Ke$ha had put this song out, it’d still be ridiculed by those with some form of measurable intelligence, but Ke$ha fans would lap it up. I’m pretty sure that most of the YouTube comments have just come from Trolls applying the GIFT to be part of the crowd, and probably haven’t actually listened to it.

GIFT. Courtesy of Penny Arcade.

This isn’t to say the hatred is entirely unwarranted. Friday is a terrible song, and a perfect example of everything that’s wrong with the desire and obsession to become famous – it’s clearly backfired for Rebecca Black, and I was more than ready to feel sorry for her until she, in light of all the hatred delivered at her, begged Justin Bieber for a duet. Not because he’s as hateable as all that, but if you’ve already got the entire Troll community in a feeding frenzy, why would you add to the shitstorm by mentioning their former punching bag?

HOWEVER – Rebecca Black is not the first of these fame-by-numbers pop “stars.” There is a company called ARK who specialises in taking average girl-next-door type girls and trying to turn them into a pop star. So far, Black has been their biggest success, which should tell you exactly how successful they are as a company (i.e. not very) but there are others on YouTube with videos just as bland, just as banal, just as irritatingly composed and performed.

So, with the collective Internet community deciding that it’s gonna turn nastier than it usually is and systematically victimise a 13-year-old girl, I’m going to prove why this is unfair, or at the very least, offer some other outlets for that hatred.

But oh well. Hypocrisy is to follow.

BRITT RUTTER – “Without Your Love”

Basic gist of the song: Girl really wants to be with her boyfried.

Basic gist of the video: Girl really doesn’t want to be with her boyfriend.

The video opens with our singer lying on her bed, about to video chat with her boyfriend. And yes, when it happens, it seems remarkable that a bedroom-based video chat is avoiding the usual content of video-chat on the internet.

This being what would normally be seen.

As we see on her social networking site FaceSpace (Yes, FaceSpace. I’ll give you a moment to groan at that……………………………and we’re done) she is in a relationship with Jason. Jason is the boyfriend who talks to her over the video chat while Britt ignores her friends who are in her room. They finish chatting and he leaves his video chat on, when he meant to turn it off. Britt sees the unimaginable – another girl at the door! She reacts to this not with tears, anger or any obvious pain, but just a bit of surprise and odd confusion, as though she wasn’t aware there were any other girls in the world.


She certainly doesn’t seem to be aware of the girls in her room…

Later that night as she lies in her bed of pain she opens up her laptop to see the video chat is still open, and Jason has fallen asleep in front of it. As he dribbles some digital drool, she violates his civil liberties and records him without his consent, and sends the video to all of her friends, while a guy who is definitely meant to be Usher some random guy raps out of nowhere.

The next day, she and her friends are lounging by the pool and Jason and his mate rock up, only to be ridiculed by the fact that they’ve all seen him dribbling. They chuck in a scene of Britt and her friends dancing in the desert (like literally just chuck it in the last 20 seconds) and the video ends with a shot of Britt’s FaceSpace listing her as no longer in a relationship. They say revenge is a dish best served cold. I’d say in this case it was some pretty temperate finger-food.

Oh yeah dude. We’ve seen you dribble. How you like me now biatch?

WHY IS IT SO BAD?

Admittedly, this song is not actively woeful. It’s no masterpiece of music, but I suppose it’s catchy enough. The dance track in the background while simplistic is ok.

The biggest problem is that the video doesn’t match the fucking lyrics! The song is actually about how much she wants to be with this guy, and how she doesn’t really know if he likes her the way she likes him. The video is practically the opposite!

Not really what the song is about…

Also, the video is oddly juvenile. Sure, it’s probably made for a younger audience, but it seems reallyreduced to innocence. Not with the whole platonic video-chat thing, but it seems like there should be more made of her relationship with him, or at least a scene of her giving him a good bitch-slap. And really…filming your boyfriend drooling isn’t that much of a revenge, and he’d get over it pretty quick.

Consider:

Britt: Ha! I filmed you drooling! Take that you cheating scum!
Jason: Oh yeah? I have that video of when you passed out drunk and I titty-fucked you.

“So uh…I’ll delete the drooling video, yeah?”

The revenge aspect seems pretty mild.

However – the vocals are still autotuned to a ridiculous extent. Let the girls sing without the post-processing and I’m sure it’d be not that bad! But ARK can’t let them be sung as is and it ruins what could’ve been a pretty harmless-but-forgettable song and makes it pretty painful.

Nothing excuses the dancing though…

JENNA ROSE – “My Jeans”

Basic Gist of the Song: Little girl wants a fucking pair of jeans. Or possibly to fuck them.

Basic Gist of the Video: Little girl and her friends run around town, playing dress ups like they’re in a music video.

Remember how I said it was unfair of the internet to aggressively hate a 13-year-old girl? Well fuck that – this girl is 12.

This one is particularly annoying, because she seems to think that letting everyone know she’s not affiliated with ARK somehow excuses putting out a song as equally bad. That doesn’t change the fact that she’d look oddly at place in a Coogan’s commercial.

The video has our singer waking up with some weird form of primal scream, before realising with sudden horror that her friends have arrived and she doesn’t know what to wear!! But suddenly that’s alright, because she realises that a pair of jeans she’s fetishised are being worn by famous people! And she proceeds to list Hannah Montana, Ashley Tisdale and Keke Palmer as “wearing my jeans” – that’s right, this talentless girl name-checks people who are more famous but still only considered to have average talents in her own song – big mistake. It only highlights her song as even worse

So anyway she and her friends pile into her car and drive into town to go shopping for these god damn jeans, which we never see! She keeps singing about this killer pair of jeans, but we don’t EVER  see them. We don’t see her wearing them, we don’t see them when she’s looking in a shop window at them, and it’s just infuriating! It’s not like in Pulp Fiction where you’re deliberately kept in the dark about what’s in the suitcase – it just comes off like they forgot to edit in a fucking shot of these jeans!

Also, even in America…12-YEAR-OLDS CAN’T DRIVE!!

While they’re running around in sped-up mode looking in windows at these jeans, they come across a 12-year-old rapper, calling himself Baby Triggy who stops and tells them how fine she looks in her new jeans, and how he needs to take a photo on his blackberry. What? Triggy bought a new Blackberry. What? Triggy bought a new Blackberry. What? This music video has one of the worst product placements ever. To his credit though, he’s a thousand times better than the guy in the Friday video.

Note the presence of a skirt in a song called “My Jeans”

So Jenna and co decide that it’s about time to PUT SOME FUCKING JEANS IN THIS VIDEO and play dress ups as catwalk models, and we finally see these jeans that Jenna is fapping about…and they’re pretty basic. Some diamond studs around an iron-on rose. Woohoo. Then her friends jump around like idiots and the video is over.

About.
Fucking.
Time.

WHY IS IT SO BAD?

I’m probably being very cruel to a 12-year-old here, but kids suck unless they’re related to me or related to my friends. You can just tell that his girl is one of those girls who does debating and is in the choir and genuinely believes that being elected student president will let her change how the school runs, and you just know that she does every one of those activities with her eyebrows raised to give her face a bit more expression.*

But that’s not the worst thing. Her promotional pages (which either she or her mother have clearly written) are deliberately written to try and get her on the Disney channel. She’s also making a point that she’s not affiliated with ARK, but sounds just as mediocre as those videos. She’s autotuned out the wazoo, the song is lyrically ridiculous, and the video’s obnoxious.

The best thing about this video is a Blackberry commercial dressed in a white hat.

And finally, who gets this excited about jeans? Yeah, there’s clothing related songs – we all know some broad looked amazing in her itsy-bitsy-teenie-weenie yellow polka-dot bikini, and that there’s a guy out there who wants a girl in a short skirt and a long jacket, but no one has ever sung in as much fetishistic detail about a pair of jeans.

Because the video is these girls playing dress ups so much, they end up acting a bit beyond their age. It’s only a small number of years, but having this girl flash her ass with a diamond ‘J’ on it smacks of impropriety given that she’s 12. Whereas Britt Rutter’s video was a bit too innocent, this one’s a bit too slutty for 12-year-olds. And also, what the hell does “jack my swag” mean!?

*Nothing against those who join choirs, debate teams or student body councils. But if you do it with raised eyebrows…die.

KIELY WILLIAMS – “Spectacular”

Basic Gist of the Song: Kiely Williams is a slut.

Basic Gist of the Video: Kiely Williams is a slut.

Kiely Williams was one of the Cheetah Girlz, and if you don’t know who they are, consider every day you’ve lived a gift. She broke away from them and wanted to dirty-up her image a bit, as countless singers and actresses have done. In bad cases, you have Miley Cyrus trying to tart up with “Can’t Be Tamed” but not quite getting it right. In good cases, you have Jessica Biel and James Van Der Beek ditching their roles in saccharine-sweet 7th Heaven and Dawson’s Creek and playing parts in the incredibly underrated Rules of Attraction.

He ain’t never living this down though.

Then you have train-wrecks of incredible magnitude like Kiely trying to dirty up her image. Instead of giving you too much analysis on this, I’m just going to post the lyrics, and ask you to keep in mind that this was her first single following the ultra-kid-friendly Cheetah Girls, so there were tonnes of little kids checking on their favourite Cheetah’s new efforts.

Last night I was drunk

I don’t remember much

But what I do comes in pictures

Thats how gone I was

But he was tall and he was buying

So I gave him a try and

Said he was built like a stallion

And the man wasn’t lying

Last I remember I was face down

Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off

Even though I’m not sure of his name

He could get it again if he wanted

Cause the sex was spectacular

The sex was spectacular (yeaaah)

The sex was spectacular

The sex was spectacular

So it was the morning after

I couldn’t get home faster

Doing the walk of shame

In the same clothes from yesterday

I think he pulled a track out

When he was blowing my back out

What was I drinking

I cant believe I blacked out

Last I remember I was face down

Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off

Even though I’m not sure of his name

He could get it again if he wanted

Cause the sex was spectacular

The sex was spectacular (yeaaah)

The sex was spectacular

The sex was spectacular

You can say what you want but

You can call me a slut but

What he did to me last night felt so good

I must have been on drugs

I hope he used a rubber

Or I’mma be in trouble

Problem is I don’t remember

Except for rollin’ over

Give it to me, give it to me

Ooh baby what a ride ride

a ride ride

So smooth like it beats

I like the heat

Ooh baby what a night night

Right right

Cause the sex was spectacular

The sex was spectacular (yeaaah)

The sex was spectacular

The sex was spectacular

Also the video below – aside from the joke at the start – is pretty spot on.

WHY IS THIS SO BAD?

Musically, it’s woeful. Lyrically, it’s pornographic, and the video takes after the lyrics.

What this song is doing – and keep in mind I’m not exactly conservative when it comes to people’s sexualities and what they wanna do with their bodies – is glorifying being a slut. The additional sadness here is that she seems like a pretty cool girl. The video below is her offering sex advice for teens. It’s not only honest, but also good advice and not condescending.

But look at those lyrics again.

 

Copied over from my Facebook on inception of the blog. Originally written 24/3/2011

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